Broken
My trust in relations, humanity, life.
Broken - emotionally and financially.
I was horrified, refusing to be blamed, humiliated, scared, or abused any longer.
On a crossroad, breaking.
I could only see, life or death, and death seemed to be easier and more hopeful.
Lonely, fragile, and powerless with a knife in my hand, and the knowing how to do it. In a place where nobody would look for me, for enough time.
I did not feel punished by god or the divine, but life, and I could not figure for what or why it all came to that. It paralysed me, I simply did not know how to get out of this mess.
As I opened up totally to let life go, I became empty and vulnerable to allow.
Flashes of my life. 34 years.
The young boy in solitude, strolling through forests, talking to animals, trees & fairies, in awe of life and sacredness. But there was also the outsider, the ‘out the box’ guy, scared to express my truths or my dreams.
Living also in conflict, as no labels or identity seem to fit. Somehow, I felt there must be a label or identity for me, a teacher, an epiphany to take me out.
Finally, I saw my moments of bliss, with the moments of doubting.
The disappointments, the betrayals, the broken heart.
And then a voice:
‘Move far away to the other at the end of the world, you can.’
I heard a drop. The knife had fallen out of my hand.
Now, I had to figure out how.
First, try, Malaysia – failed.
I jumped over a fence with my dog and injured my knee.
But the injured knee took me away from a surgery and to a homoeopath, who did not only heal my knee but also my wounds until the day came. Adventure Indonesia was on.
I stayed with the sister of my astrologer and spiritual guide, whose husband was a teacher from New Zealand.
You will see the sense of humour in this encounter, later.
On the way, my car broke down, and I needed to go with the son by rent a car.
After all, I did reach my plane to Jakarta.
Then, reality set in soon. Not the best choice, no work permit, and a hardcore investment sales job. I struggled, it was not me.
But I fell in love with Indonesia.
Again, money runs out fast, and I could not sell, so no income in sight.
But, two things happened.
1. One of my best friends sent me a 1.000 dollars by Western Union
2. I was hired to teach English, freelance.
I was offered a work permit, to manage a company and be the main consultant, financial planning. I said yes.
Desperate to find peace, to have an identity, to fit a label, to fulfil outside expectations. Even if my heart wasn’t there.
Fooled again, and of course, I did not want to see. There was a condition, called ‘the daughter’. I could not force myself into a relationship with her.
The work permit came, but, when I returned from Singapore, the guy I was helping out, by staying in my room, stole everything from me, including my beloved clarinet. So crazy, I never travelled without it.
My love at the time, Niken, sat with me. We cried I would not play for her again, and although we tried much, the clarinet never returned to me.
A loss of a very special kind, a musician and his instrument, a special bond. I felt I had not protected her well enough. I felt guilty. I asked for forgiveness. I was willing to do and pay, just to have her back.
While I felt I was in such a healing and beautiful relationship, she left me with a broken heart and many questions. Answers, I would not get. There was a time of suffering and confusion.
Yes, it did get worse. The company reported me for something I did not do and I had to turn in my passport to the immigration.
This time, I had contacts and friends, and strangely, I was not afraid, but actually detached.
Again, two magic things kept me going:
1. My freelance work:
teaching English and training in Business, Substitute teaching at AIS (Australian International School), including special needs.
2. My Indonesian substitute mom, Ann Talumewu adopted me.
You will find out, how this detail led to another synchronicity and a big smile on my face.
Every crossroad made me humble and trusting more, in a higher purpose, in life and in the sacred. I stepped beyond my mindsets, conditions and even pain.
I got vulnerable, at peace, and even trust money that would flow.
I did get out of it all and went to New Zealand with an Indonesian wife.
As 2012 drew closer, I got excited, the second pinnacle was up, another crossroad. Shifting into new horizons and altitudes.
I was sent to the Doctor, who told me you are stressed and burned out. Go home to Jamaica, he said, after I told him my story.
I objected: Impossible. I meditate, I am eating plant-based food, I do some movement, I breathe.
He just laughed and made sure my sick leave did not run out until I left for Jamaica.
Well, the doc happened after a series of events.
AIS (Auckland Institute of Studies) got me a work permit to teach English, initiated by a Malaysian lady, who paid it forward.
I was grateful and saw the connection.
English teaching was soon gone and the journey of a mystic academic and eclectic philosopher begun, an outsider, often misunderstood, but loved by my students.
I could not stop learning and integrating it all. Eager to do research and present papers in conferences.
A divorce at hand, from the first wife, stripped me again financially, over the course of 5 years, more than the marriage, but I survived.
The journey of the wounded healer.
Second divorce, less expensive. Sad. Hurt. Disappointed.
Confused. Holding on, unable to see the full disaster.
After a plant-based food challenge, I stayed on, lost weight, and felt better. Meditated and begun yoga more seriously since my visit to Jamaica in 2011.
The mindset shifted towards the homo luminous.
Reset, rewired, and reconnected after a two-years Q’ero training.
Initiations, activations, insights, and shifts.
In the doctor’s office, I was early 2012. Stuck in Corporate world nonsense. Nothing more to give, but still supporting others, holding on, in denial.
Wonder where the next AIS comes? Have not seen it yet. Just open.
A free fall into a shaman, a teacher, a coach, a healing artist in Jamaica.
Finally, time to live, integrate and embody my truths. Living in consciousness and from the heart.
Yemanya, the goddess of the sea, so had it that I was taken to Peru, to my love, Munay.
Going 7 years and strong, breaking the past patterns, dynamics, and happy with Cecie Hanza. She simply joined on the journey as my DuoPreneur.
Together with Cecie, I could reconcile with my birth mother, even take care of her, and fully embrace love.
In a dream, Ann Talumewu, asked to use her name, as she gave it to me, to protect me and be my mother.
I wanted to step beyond, into a quantum space and the homo luminous.
• Trust takes you a long way, beyond what you can imagine.
• Life does not fail to surprise you
• You don’t need labels or identity to be real
So many times, I was excluded, so I am inclusive.
So many times, I was rejected or judged, so I am compassionate.
In a dream, Ann Talumewu asked to use her name, as she gave it to me, to protect me and be my mother.
So many times, I felt heavy and dense, so I can be light.
So many times, I was afraid to be me, now I can shine.
So many times, I was fooled, so I can be truths.
So many times, I was lost, so I could be found.
So many times, I was betrayed, so I can trust.
So many times, I lost money, so I create more.
So many times, I was disappointed, so that I can love.
So many times, I complained, so that I can be grateful.
These stories brought me here, teaching me Vital Shifting Systems to help others on crossroads, who are ready to live in the Altitudes of Heart Consciousness.
How Vital Shifting Systems can work for you? I can tell you more, another time.
Vital Shifting Systems are not a quick fix, it’s a journey to awaken to you from within to live in the altitudes of Heart Consciousness.
You will get clarity and congruence, courage and light, along with
A Power to:
• connect to within, beloved, the world, work & vocations, and spirit
• create your sacred dream and more
• be humble, beyond self-interest and ego
• live in Ayni (sacred reciprocal relationship with all life)
• be vital, beyond health and fitness
• find your rhythms of the Heart
• go on a dialectical dance to the rhythms of your heart and the openness of your mind.
• Find clarity from your heart
• commit to self and the journey to the extraordinary version of you
